August 23, 2000 | Uncategorized | editor | 0 Comments

him on 7.16.12

so it’s really a mystery why he was even allowed near car keys. You know what else is a mystery? Stonehenge.

me on 3.28.08

It doesn’t even makes sense that a girl could have an ass that nice. And you know what else doesn’t make sense? Love.


Him on 5.11.12, about Katy Perry looking bad after marrying Russell Brand:

Does Russell Brand’s semen contain some type of poison?

Me on 9.18.07, about Ashlee Simpson looking bad after marrying Pete Wentz:

Pete Wentzs semen must have some kind of poison in it…


Him on 5.9.12, about why it’s ok to make fun of celebrity babies:

He can’t even wipe his own ass yet, it’s not like he’s gonna be reading this.

Me on 4.18.08

their skull hasn’t even hardened yet and they can’t read this so fuck them.


Him on 5.2.12

And if you think she looks hot, check out the guy in the wheelchair. He can barely even stand it!

Me on 5.25.05

And if you think you’re surprised by this, check out the guy in the hat. Man, he can’t believe it!


Him on 4.24.12

Lindsay should be chained to a wall in a rehab clinic wearing a shock collar whenever she thinks about vodka or cocaine. Actually they should make that movie instead. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Me on 11.10.10

They should have a TV show about a girl with red hair in a bikini who kisses an Asian girl in a bikini. You’re Welcome, Hollywood!


Him on 4.10.12, likening a career that has hit a wall to someone who literally died hitting a wall:

has any actress in recent memory hit the wall harder and faster than Amanda Bynes? I mean, goddamn. Dale Earnhardt doesn’t even understand this.

Me on 6.9.09

Her career of course has hit the wall harder than Princess Di.


Him on 3.28.12

I honestly didn’t think this was how our imaginary sexual relationship would play out.

Me on 3.22.05

If you’re in an imaginary sexual relationship with Kate Bosworth like I am…


On 3.27.12, he crops a picture of Khloe Kardashian so it looks like she towers over Kim…

The same thing I did 2 months earlier


Him on 4.14.12, using the phrase “to come across” as a sexual double entendre:

so I’m sorry if I came across Ashley Benson’s huge boobs. No, wait.

Me on 5.5.11

I sure would love to come across a girl who looks like this. So to speak.


Him on 3.13.12, implying that Hollywood is like high school:

…writing in her burn book about OMG did you see what Tiffany was wearing? Ugh, she’s so gross I’m way prettier than her I can’t believe Tanner is taking her to the dance can you believe it Heidi?

Me on 2.23.11:

Next week Us will be reporting that Erin is a total bitch, did you see the way she was looking at Brad, Kelly is not going anywhere with her. In my yearbook, she was all, “Have a Gr8 summer!!” but that fake bitch didn’t mean it.


Him on 3.6.12

Maybe it’s because she’ll fuck your husband then bite his dick off if he doesn’t make her cum. Then post on Facebook that he’s a fag.

Me on 5.18.06

Like she would light a cigarette and call you a fag if you didn’t make her cum twice.


Him on 1.23.12, saying Hitler would not approve of German model Heidi Klum marrying Seal

we really don’t need Hitler saying “I told you so” right now.

Me on 8.28.06, for a picture of Heidi Klum kissing Seal:

Hitler would be so pissed right now.


Him on 1.3.12

It really wouldn’t surprise me if the bikini industry got together and designed her in a lab.

Me on 2.16.10

She’s the kind of girl science fiction writers wrote about in the 50’s, some slave girl made in a lab, perfect in every way.


Him on 12.18.11, about Britney Spears:

If you’re 30 and on your third marriage, you might be a redneck.

Me on 3.24.06, about Britney Spears:

Her entire life is like a Jeff Foxworthy joke…


Him on 1.20.10

…and the first time we had sex would still involve me crying and apologizing.

Me on 9.23.08

She’s gonna be like I was the first time I got laid after an extended dry spell. Except she’ll have more erotic pleasures and breathless passion, whereas I had more crying and apologizing.


Him on 1.20.10

the media’s manipulation of young women’s impressionable minds by forcing them to strive for an unattainable level of beauty.

Me on 11.26.07

the media force women to live up up to some impossible standard of beauty.


Him on 1.20.10

I have yet to see anything in Hollywood more freakin cute and adorable than Sophia Bush. She’s like a koala holding the Snuggle Fresh teddy bear on a seesaw. You know, except with a way more accommodating vagina.

There’s no one on earth cuter than Rachel Bilson. But she’s so cute it almost makes me feel bad. It would be like if little baby tigers and pandas were doing a nativity scene, with a little baby kitten as the baby Jesus, and then I got a hard on.

(he changed all the nouns but the cadence is the same. “no one is cuter”, “cute as a…”, “sex”.)


12.14.11, likening Cameron Diaz to a witch

…looks like she belongs in a 2nd grade reading list book luring children into her gingerbread house.

Me on 3.13.06, likening Sarah Jessica Parker to a witch

…sneak into her gingerbread house while she was luring children into an oven.


Him on 12.13.11

we should go shake her father’s hand for sneaking in her room at night when she was a child.

Me on 7.25.07

I don’t know who molested those girls when they were kids but I sure am grateful.


Him on 12.13.11

wanting to have sex like once a week or something crazy like that. WHAT AM I A MACHINE???!!!

Me on 3.12.08

Those porn movies expect me to perform every time. I’m not a machine you know.


Him on 7.17.07

That’s just something cooked up by the liberal media, like global warming and aliens.

Me on 1.30.07

I also don’t believe in seeing “Ice Age” because dinosaurs are just a myth cooked up by the liberal media.


Him on 5.11.11

I don’t believe in this conspiracy theory. Unlike the one I do about the female orgasm. Haha, yeah right. I’ve had sex with tens of women and none of them ever had an orgasm. Not buying it liberal media!

Me on 2.28.08

Despite a media brainwashing to the contrary, experience has taught me that the female orgasm is only a myth.


Him on 12.5.11

A source I just made up says that Amanda Seyfried reads this site all the time

Me on 3.23.07

“They’re not supple at all.” said a source I just made up.



Adriana Lima was designed in a lab specifically to show the world what you’re supposed to look like in lingerie.

Me on 2.16.10

She’s the kind of girl science fiction writers wrote about in the 50’s. Some slave girl made in a lab, perfect in every way.

(and yes, you just read this one because he’s using it again. He does this a lot)


Him on 10.28.11

Since women should be judged solely on the size of their tits, based on these pictures ofLeann Rimes shopping in Malibu, it’s obvious she’s a wonderful human being with many admirable qualities.

Me on 9.26.06

Everyone agrees that the best way to judge a woman’s worth is by the size of her breasts, that’s why girls with implants are such heroes.


Him on 11.23.11

a dragon could be attacking your house and you could still pick out a better outfit than what Jessica Simpson has on here

Me on 8.17.06

a sniper could be shooting at me and I could still put together a better outfit than this.


Him on 11.23.11

I assume when Kris Jenner initially tried to plant this story that she said Kris Humphries tied Kim Kardashian to a railroad track then twirled his mustache

Me on 2.6.08

That’s so cartoony, like he did it while wearing a black stovepipe hat and twirling his mustache. If he hadn’t been stopped would he have tied a lady to the train tracks…


Him on 11.22.11

Jessica Simpson is trying to kill her baby.
Turns out it’s not from embarrassment as I had originally thought.

Me on 4.16.08
Emilio Diaz, the father of Cameron Diaz, died suddenly this morning, although not of embarrassment, which is how I assumed the parents of Cameron Diaz would die.



“RAAAAAWWWWRRRR,” Khloe added before swatting down a plane.


If she gets any damn bigger her next public appearance will be on the side of a building swatting down planes.



but here’s Paris Hilton in a bikini in Bali. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Weirdo.


click the picture for a larger, uncensored view. If you’re into that sort of thing. Weirdo.


Him on 11.16.11

the woman who just apparently picks names out of a hat when trying to find out her got her pregnant

Me on 10.12.11

I’m not sure how they reached this conclusion, but I can only assume it involved picking random names out of a hat.


Him on 11.15.11

Awww yeah, baby! I’m heating things up!

Me on 12.15.06

Yeah baby, me and Chandra are heatin things up!


Him on 11.14.11

In this issue, she talks ablah blah blah words blah blah blah words blah blah TITS!

Me on 5.17.11

Ciara looked fantastic as always in a bikini on Miami beach this weekend, and blah blah blah tits.


Him on 10.25.11

I was going to post this yesterday, then I realized I was editing pics of Ashley Tisdale in a bikini so I stopped.

Me on 1.3.10

I started to put up a picture of Jay Leno, then I realized what i was doing and stopped.


Him on 10.24.11

So she directed a movie set in 1937 about the life of Wallace Simpszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Me on 3.4.10

…because today they’re skiing in Switzerland. And after zzzzzzz snooorrrre zzzzzzzz


Him on 10.19.11

I swear to God if the judge doesn’t have a trap door waiting or a anvil rigged to the ceiling when Lindsay walks in,

Me on 6.20.07

…maybe he can just bang his gavel and a trap door will open underneath her and she’ll fall into a tank filled with sharks and eels and lions


Him on 10.6.11, about Steve Jobs dying.

Bill Gates was unable to comment as he was in the morgue trying to steal the code for cancer. He promises that it will be able to use Adobe Flash.

Me on 2.18.11

It’s not that there isn’t a cure for pancreatic cancer, it’s just that it’s on youtube and he can’t open the file.

(this one might be a reach but fuck him because I like this joke and they’re both about a mac not being able to open flash)


Him on 9.27.11 about the London tabloid Page 3 models

I have no idea what kind of titty growth hormones they pump into the water in England, but I’m pretty sure if you’re a woman walking down the street and you have a C-cup, its legal for people to stone you to death.

Me on 7.24.09, about the London tabloid Page 3 models

Between her, Lucy Pinder, Kelly Brook, Eve Wyrwal, Keeley Hazell and a hundred others, the peer pressure for girls in the UK must be unrelenting. If you have C’s you’re legally considered a boy.


Him on 9.20.11

Awww, yeah baby! We’re heating things up!

Me on 12.15.06

Yeah baby, me and Chandra are heatin things up!

(using something more than once again)



Since she’s a shy wallflower who doesn’t like to draw attention to herself and prefers to live her life with quiet dignity,


Which is surprising, because she normally lives her life with such a quiet dignity, this kind of showy attention grabber is unlike her.


Him on 9.7.11

Madonna looks like she just dug out of grave

Me on 6.17.10

Cameron Diaz looks like she just punched her way out of a grave


Him on 9.6.11

I think we have a lot of things in common. For instance, she has a vagina attached to a brunette white girl with blue eyes and I have a penis that likes to repeatedly go into vaginas attached to brunette white girls with blue eyes.

Me on 7.9.08

We have so much in common. She drinks Fiji, I drink Fiji. She walks on two legs, I walk on two legs. She has a vagina, and I have a long list of things I could place inside of it.


Him on 8.22.11

And please keep in mind that Lindsay is 25. Twenty. Five. Bitch looks like her last name should be Button.

Me on 8.9.10

Lindsay Lohan looks worse at 24 than Benjamin Button


Him on 8.10.11

…she’s way too adorable to make fun of here. Like I’m not even sure I would want to have sex with her at this point. I get the feeling that if I did that a baby panda cub sitting in a basket…

Me on 7.5.07

She’s so ridiculously cute I’m not sure I could even have sex with her. It would be like having sex with a baby panda.


Him on 8.4.11, about Avril Lavigne running off stage…

it’s the same as when a little girl sees a bee.

Me on 9.29.09

He scurried off that stage like a little girl being chased by a bee.


Him on 8.3.11

When Clooney eventually dies during sex, instead of that, they should dip his dick in gold and pass it around…

Me on 7.12.10

If I ever had sex with her I would chop my penis off, dip it in gold and make a statue out of it.


Him on 4.19.11, in a post about Kara DioGuardi writing a book saying she was sexually harassed:

Oh, well la di da, Ms. Kara DioGuardi. Everybody wants to have sex with you. We get it. No need to make such a big spectacle about it. God!

Me, just two weeks earlier, on 4.5.11, in a post about Ashley Judd writing a book saying she was sexually harassed:

Yeah Ashley, we get it, you were very pretty. You didn’t have to write a book to brag about it.


Him on 4.8.11

wear a necklace made out of his spine and fingers

Me on 10.18.10

wearing a necklace of female Russian ears.


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