Ted Casablancas Blind Item

December 14, 2005 | celebrity | editor | 0 Comments

This time of year is always brutal on a page like this because the holidays bring everything to a standstill. So with that in mind, I’m now going to cut and paste the Blind Item from Ted Casablanca on E! If you don’t know, a blind item is the kind of gossip where people can’t name names in print for fear of being sued. Like he couldn’t say John Travolta is gay. I’ll say it cause I watched the parade of confused blond boys limp from his suite at the Ritz in Marina Del Rey when I worked there, and he used to hit on me and our doorman Herb.

In Teds blind items, he assigns goofy fake names to stars and the fun is piecing together the clues and trying to guess who it’s about. This one is about someone he calls ‘Stealth Stud-Proof’. Also making a appearance here is ‘Toothy Tile’, a frequent guest in his columns, widely believed to be Jake Gyllenhaal. Although some girls don’t want to believe that. Which is just weird. That dude couldn’t be any gay-er if he showed up in stilettos, licking a giant lollipop with his hair in pigtails. And so, with that brilliant intro out of the way, Ted Casablanca’s Blind Item, followed by your guesses in the comments.

Stealth Stud-Poof has it all. He’s got a decent bod; a procreating, talented gal; and a well-respected and sizzling career. Not to mention a great ass and a boyfriend who knows what to do with it. The butt, that is, not the job stuff.

See, Toothy Tile is not (by far) the only homo in Hollywood who likes to push the fruitcake-covered envelope. Uh-uh, no way.

Whereas our loveable, somewhat confused Tooth is constantly trying to figure out just what the hell he wants to do with his life–sexuality being not the least of his concerns–Stealth has known from his relatively flashy get-go what he wanted in life: a glitzy career, a wife and family and–most definitely–a b-f on the side.

And he got it all–plus more money and job accolades than he ever expected. But here’s what S.S.-P. wasn’t counting on: a lover so bossy Leona Helmsley looks like Snow White by comparison.

At first it was fine and cute. The side-screw was sufficiently content to be relegated to where mistresses usually are: wink-wink, off in a discreet corner, where only certain in-the-know members of Stealth’s inner sanctum were aware. Everybody got along. This was before said boy-mistress decided his very convincing reincarnation of Eva Per


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