If you're too busy being classy and swirling your brandy in a snifter by the fire to watch WWE, then read this your majesty, because it's all you need to know to enjoy the WWE Raw show that was taped last night at the Staples Center in Los Angeles and set to air tonight:
1. John Cena - star of "the Marine" - is cool, and looks exactly like Matt Damon would if he did a bunch of steroids.
2. John Cenas finishing move is called the "F U". It's basically what Brock Lesnar used to call the "F5".
3. No one gets up from the "F U", my friends. No one.
4. John Cenas victim of the "F U" tonight … is … wait for it … wait for it … Kevin Federline.
That’s right baby. KFed reportedly gets lifted onto John Cenas shoulders, then helicopter-ed down onto his face tonight on the USA Network at 9 PM eastern. Several sources all say the same thing: KFed comes out as a special guest, sings one of his big hit songs, then Cena (whose character on the show is/was a white rapper) comes out and drops his ass. I don’t happen to know any black people, but if I did, at that point I would nudge them and say, “about damn time someone dropped his cracker ass”. And then they’d think I was really cool, and respect how I was breaking down the color lines.
(We all owe a huge debt of gratitude to Chris and Eric, who used their knowledge for good and shared this gift with the world. Heroes? You better believe it! Not like that fat piece-of-shit Benjamin Franklin. Do some crunches fatty!)
UPDATE - TMZ now has a preview clip of tonights show here.
SEXY NEW UPDATE - thanks to KeepItSmart who was at the event and sent in these pictures after he banged Stacy Keibler and decided she was "a'ight". Smart says KFed actually adjusts his hat right before Cena drops him on his ass, which is even more wigger-riffic than I ever could have hoped for.
This promises to be the best night ever.
Thank you so much.
PWNED!
Not to sound all nerdish, but the FU is nowhere near as cool as the F5. All Cena does is put a guy on his shoulders, then kinda half ass suplexes him to the mat. No helicoptering is involved.
All I need to know is this: Does K-Fed get slammed? If so I am there.
Also which of his big hit songs does he sing? For some reason I couldn’t tell you the title of any of his songs. Not even if you paid me a million $s or put a gun to my head. Strange…
Oh please, oh please, oh please….just let this be one of those slow-acting brain clots that drops him cold one day in mid-smirk.
any millionaires out there? if there are pay cena to break kfeds neck, and to forget about the whole movie thing. going from being a pro wrestler to an actor didnt work for hulk hogan, it didnt work for the rock, and it sure as shit aint gonna work for john cena.
To bad it is all fake. Granted it is not painless I’m sure this will not do any more damage to his brain.
the only thing that could truly make this the most magical moment in time was if they dusted off “the nature boy” ric flair and had him put this dancing queen in a figure four leg lock. something tells me we need to go for the legs. without them, kfed loses his power.
dammit…if ever there was a time I needed rasslin’ to be real…
But…but…the Bears game is on tonight.
Hmmm…I think I have pic-in-pic. I hope so.
Ohhhhhhh…Conflicted!
wow, this is definetly up there with paris hilton getting punched in the face, too bad wrestling isn’t real though. it would be that much better
This media whore will do anything including get the cream cheese kicked out of him on TV to be in the limelight. Way to go Kev, you’ve arrived. Jeezus Fuck I hope he keeps his shirt on, 4 words K-fag. Don’t drink the grease.
Isnt K-Freak going for teh tough gangster rep?
Isnt it kinda hard to do that when youre getting your ass kicked on every show you go on? (He got a smack-down on CSI too right?)
Maybe he had a change of heart and is going for the more “reality based” reputation. IDK
WTF is up with his girly body? Can anyone say Marfan Syndrome? Hieroglyphs of Akenaten had less curves.
I think the WWE would have done better to let members of the audience take turns after Cena finishes with him. Like, maybe 150 of them
For once, someone else might get booed more than Cena.
wow Leisa, that was the most scholarly put down I’ve ever heard. Seriously, who are you? Dennis Miller?
I don’t want to go on a rant, here, but America’s foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it’s like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
LMAO
Cerbral Contest