YOU WILL WANT TO WATCH ‘RAW’ TONIGHT

If you're too busy being classy and swirling your brandy in a snifter by the fire to watch WWE, then read this your majesty, because it's all you need to know to enjoy the WWE Raw show that was taped last night at the Staples Center in Los Angeles and set to air tonight:1.  John Cena – star of "the Marine" – is cool, and looks exactly like Matt Damon would if he did a bunch of steroids.2.  John Cenas finishing move is called the "F U".  It's basically what Brock Lesnar used to call the "F5". 3.  No one gets up from the "F U", my friends.  No one.  4.  John Cenas victim of the "F U" tonight … is … wait for it … wait for it … Kevin Federline.  That’s right baby.  KFed reportedly gets lifted onto John Cenas shoulders, then helicopter-ed down onto his face tonight on the USA Network at 9 PM eastern.  Several sources all say the same thing:  KFed comes out as a special guest, sings one of his big hit songs, then Cena (whose character on the show is/was a white rapper) comes out and drops his ass.  I don’t happen to know any black people, but if I did, at that point I would nudge them and say, “about damn time someone dropped his cracker ass”.  And then they’d think I was really cool, and respect how I was breaking down the color lines.

(We all owe a huge debt of gratitude to Chris and Eric, who used their knowledge for good and shared this gift with the world.  Heroes?  You better believe it!  Not like that fat piece-of-shit Benjamin Franklin.  Do some crunches fatty!)

UPDATE – TMZ now has a preview clip of tonights show here. 

SEXY NEW UPDATE – thanks to KeepItSmart who was at the event and sent in these pictures after he banged Stacy Keibler and decided she was "a'ight".  Smart says KFed actually adjusts his hat right before Cena drops him on his ass, which is even more wigger-riffic than I ever could have hoped for.