BRITNEY NEEDS A NEW ASSISTANT

Felicia Culotta worked for Britney Spears for more than nine years as a personal assistant but has finally quit because she can not deal with Britneys self-destructive lifestyle anymore.  Felicia said in an email:

"I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding.  There’s just so much you can do to help a person — I don’t dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself … I’m so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch.  I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!"

God at this rate Britney wont have any friends left.  Her new assistant will be Johnny Walker Blue.  She'll walk around all day with a bottle in one hand and a stuffed tiger in the other, doing a little cutesy tiger voice that says, "you sure do look pretty today Britney" and "maybe a cigarette would help you relax" and "lets not go home now, it's only 3, and you're such a good dancer!"  And Britney will say, "you're right talking doggy, I really am a good dancer" and "what's that magic bottle … you want me to drink you?  Well … okay…"