September 26, 2007 | celebrity | editor | 0 Comments

I don't know what this poor bastard did to deserve this, but Snaggletooth had the nerve to kiss someones hand yesterday in LA, a fate I hope to avoid at all costs, mostly because I would rather punch a bear in his balls than have this fug sea monster ever touch me.  If she ever kissed my hand, I would chop my damn arm off, then burn it, then seal the ashes in a safe, then throw the safe in a volcano.  Even if she were touching my hand to pull me from a cougars mouth, I would poke her in the eys until she let go, then, as the cougar dragged me away and ate my leg, my last words on earth would be, "Oh … my god … she's … so ugly … why is she so ugly…"

Tags: kirsten dunst

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