I get all tense through my chest whenever pictures of Kelly Brook show up, like these of her yesterday in London launching her new perfume, cleverly called "Kelly Brook". Normally she wears clothes that fit like a band around a barrel, but even in this flowy dress thingy, she and her giant rack look fantastic. If you're like me, you're extremely surprised that she and I aren't dating yet. I've written her several times, but I don't know if she's gotten my letters because those smart-asses at the Post Office claim "Boobs" is not a real address. It would have been nice had they mentioned that before I spent 98 dollars on postage. Maybe I didn't have to mail every single picture I drew of me and Kelly flying over a rainbow on a Unicorn, but the discerning eye will notice that in some of the pictures the Unicorn is white, while in others its silver. And in one I braided his mane, and in another we’re actually on a dolphin.