Last night was the best Golden Globes ever. Short and to the point. No pretentious acceptance speeches with actors pretending to charmingly fumble through rehearsed lines and thanking people no one has ever heard of. You idiots realize this is being televised right? This isn’t your own personal broadcast. The winners are:
Best Motion Picture Drama: "Atonement". Unquestionably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. NOTHING EVEN HAPPENS! It's like watching an aquarium for two hours.
Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical: "Sweeney Todd". I didn’t see this one but it beat "Hairspray" so it must have been good.
Best Actress in a Movie Drama: Julie Christie, "Away From Her". I knew a girl named Julie in high school. She did anal.
Best Actor in a Movie Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood". This movie is awesome but all the pretentious art house fags like it too and won't shut up about it. Kinda ruins it.
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy or Musical: Marion Cotillard, "La Vie En Rose". I've never heard of this person or movie. They might not even be real.
Best Actor in a Movie Comedy or Musical: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd". I have a friend who saw Depp in his car one time. True story!
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, "I'm Not There". This bitch is annoying. Apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press chooses winners by selecting random names out of a hat.
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, "No Country for Old Men". Supporting actors are sometimes only in movies for like 5 minutes. And they get awards. Apparently it's incredibly hard to find an actor who can say 10 lines of dialogue without completely fucking it up.
Best Director: Julian Schnabel, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". "Julian Schnabel" is an embarrassingly fruity name.
Best Animated Film: "Ratatouille". More like Rata-awesome!
Best Foreign Language Film: "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly". Wait, this movie is French? No wonder it sounds so fruity. The diving bell and the what? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! Make some sense you idiot!
TV Drama Series: "Mad Men". Because they're ad men. They work in advertising. Get it?
TV Drama Series Actress: Glenn Close, "Damages". She's like 90 now and still no one can beat her at these award shows. Has any girl learned to act since 1974?
TV Drama Series Actor: Jon Hamm, "Mad Men". Now that’s a manly name. Sounds like an offensive lineman for Nebraska. Take note you pussies in France!
TV Comedy Series: "Extras". The one with Harry Potter was awesome (link). Gervais can stand there doing nothing and still be funny. He’s like Bill Murray, except he spells his name differently.
TV Comedy Series Actress: Tina Fey, "30 Rock". She's so annoying and unfunny, I partially blame her for 9/11.
TV Comedy Series Actor: David Duchovny, "Californication". He beat Gervais? Fuck you Golden Globes.
All awards ceremonies should be like this in the future. Fuck 4 or 5 hours of shit. 30 minutes tops. In. Out. BOOSH!
^ much like my sexual style… If you find yourself numb, bored and disinterested. You are doing it wrong.
Best Online Persona: Dirty Hairy!
I personally miss the tit shots.
Oh God!
I missed the show?
I'm killing myself right now…
CUMSHOT ON THIS!
I heard the real reason these were shown in a such a truncated form was NOT the writers' strike.
It seems Britney had an iron-clad contract to "dance" and "sing" on the show. Rather than permit this, they just gave up.
Next year it won't even be live, it'll be on YouTube in 5-minute blocks.
Californication is a great show. It's right up WWTDD's alley
If you watch an aquarium for two hours, there's bound to be some fish fisticuffs and crapping.
Yay Depp. And Yay Sweeney Todd. I would have even taken Hairspray over that fucking Beatles upchuck of a film Across The Universe. I had to sit through that goddamn trailer so many times that I wanted to kill everyone attached to it.
Californication is a great show, but Duchovney plays Duchovney so it's not really acting…except for the part where he gets all kinds of pussy. That's how you know it's fiction.
See, now that’s a great summarization – but to be fair, I think Scarlett Johansson [like Julie in High School] also does anal – if you say the right things of course.
Right things include:
1. I'm a big Hollywood producer
2. I'm a big Hollywood star
3. I'm…just big
After like 2 weeks of being open Sweeney Todd got two awards? Fuckin' A. xD
thank god the world is not exposed to: " i would like to thank my mom, jesus christ, …." and then they can make some stupid political comment even though most actors never got past grade 10.
i would like to thank the writers guild for being on strike. with my TV viewing way down it gives me more time to masterbate to online porn, masterbate to various magazines, and masterbate to the school children playing outside my window.
Thank you Writer's Guild for sparing us another bloated abortion of an awards show…now prove you're serious by keeping the strike going until, say, August…k?
Signed,
Heterosexual men everywhere
This was the crap on CNN last night ? And here I thought Larry King had finally lost it and gone into hallucination mode. I half expected him to start masturbating behind the desk.
SilverB, LK would need a Viagra IV, in order to have that happen.
I'd go with "Crapping in his Depends® for $200, Alex"!
Next time, maybe they can get an auctioneer and cut even more time off of this shitfest.
Ricky Gervais is a bona fide comedy genius, and there aren't many of those around anymore.
i too find cate blanchett incredibly annoying, but her performance in I'm Not There was phenomenal. I was very troubled by this, actually, because i want so much to dislike her and she really hit that one out of the park.