HOT NEW COUPLE ALERT

People magazine says that Gary Coleman has secretly married Shannon Price.  Actually it wasn't a secret really, as much as just no one asked.  But shocking gets shockinger when People reveals that Gary is 40 years old, yet Shannon is just 22.  Also, she is 5'7" tall, while he stands just 4'8".  More shocking details when we come back.  And we're back.  People says:

The onetime Diff'rent Strokes star also admits that this is his first-time-ever romantic relationship. "I never got the opportunity to be romantic or feel romantic with anyone," he says. "I wasn't saving myself, she just happened to be the one." Not that the newlyweds don't have their differences. "We may go a week and not speak to each other," he says, while she claims, "He lets his anger conquer him sometimesHe throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction." She adds, "I don't like the violence."

She's right to be afraid.  Midgets are made of poison.  They can kill you just by touching you.  I saw it in a game.  There was this whole army of the little fuckers.  Every single one of them was enchanted somehow, a trend I'm assuming extends into real life.  The only weapon against them?  Jump on their heads.   This stuns them, and also gives you the power to fly.  Heed this advice my friends.  Good luck, and good hunting.