IN THE FREEZER? WTF.

Everyone loves a good rape story, but this one is even better than normal. The Huffington Post has a pretty remarkable audio tape from a 2001 conversation between Cris Rock and embattled Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano. They talk for over 30 minutes about a woman Monica Zsibrita, who had accused Rock of rape. She also claimed to be pregnant with his child. Both these claims were false. No charges were ever filed and Rock was cleared completely. Rock admitted to having sex with her, but said it was completely consensual. Zsibritas case was based around a sample of Rocks semen that she kept in her freezer (NOTE – do not snack on things in Monica Zsibritas freezer). Some highlights:

14:00Pellicano (reading from report): "He tried to pull out and ejaculated on her thighs. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom where she cleaned up with a Kleenex. She put the Kleenex in her pocket." 15:55CR: I've been so set up…AP: Did you come on her thighs?…CR: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass. 30:05CR: Rape is just fucking, buzz, you know?… Once your accused of rape, you're just FUCKED, you know?AP: That's why I want to blacken this girl up, totally. I want to make her out to be a lying, scumbag, manipulative cocksucker… Stupid bitchCR: I'm fucked. I'm better getting caught with needles in my arm. WAY better. Needles, with pictures, there's Chris Rock shooting heroin. Much better blow to the career.

It’s always awkward to take sides in a story about rape, because I’ve never been raped, but ATMs in strip clubs have, like, a 20 dollar surcharge fee, so in a very real sense I have been raped.  In fact, most would agree that I’m the real victim here.