09.15.2008 RUN FASTER FATTY

Just about one month ago, Jennifer Lopez was overheard complaining that she wasn’t getting enough attention for doing the Malibu triathlon.  Well that nonsense was yesterday, and good news Jennifer, you're about to get some attention.  MTV says…

Jennifer Lopez will be one proud new mum today after successfully completing a gruelling triathlon in Malibu this weekend.
The 39-year-old mum gave birth to her two twins, Max and Emme, just seven months ago, but managed to reach the finishing line in an impressive two hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

Oh jesuschrist I hate entertainment media.  "Grueling" my ass.  Malibu is not a real triathlon.  Malibu has a half-mile swim.  A real triathlon has a 2.4 mile swim.  Malibu has an 18-mile bike ride.  Real triathlon goes 112 miles.  Malibu = 4 mile run.  Real triathlon = 26.2 mile run.  Malibu has a total of 22.5 miles.  Real triathlon?  140.6 miles.  And Lopez finished behind several “disabled” participants, meaning athletes who are sick or have lost a limb, like they have no white blood cells or legs.   Read that again.  People allergic to sunshine or pulling themselves along the road with their fists beat Jennifer Lopez in a race.  And she’s bragging about that.  Even though she looks disgusting.  She has the worst possible female body.  A big fat ass and no tits.  It had to be terrifying to see her flop out of the ocean, waddle over to the bikes then clomp clomp clomp, thundering down the street for her leisurely relaxing jog, her fat ass casting a giant ominous shadow across the landscape like when the UFO’s hovered over the White House in Independence Day.

(picture source = splash news)



14 photos in gallery >

Share Facebook Twitter Email This
Tags: |
68 Comments

(68) Comments

  1. Big Smelly Dirt Cock 09/15/2008 08:32

    She looks infinitely more awful than usual.  If she sang while she swam and I saw that I would have thrown a spear at her.

  2. RemSteale 09/15/2008 08:33

    I may have lost the will to live…..

  3. Paleomiz 09/15/2008 08:35

    How is it possible to have a muffin top in a one piece suit?

    Tomorrow's show theme is "Relativity"–all classic rock songs will have a kinship term (mother/father, son/daughter, brother/sister, etc.) in the title. Send me your requests and get a shoutout on the air! 

  4. Evil Malcom Norris 09/15/2008 08:39

    wonder that the sharks didn't feast on this fat sea elephant.

  5. the d-a-double d-y-m-a-c 09/15/2008 08:39

    When I think "serious cyclist", 3 things always come to mind.  Toe clips (do they even make those nowadays?), 3/4 top Skechers, and slouch socks.  Since she has the trifecta going on, she's gotta win.

  6. Zack 09/15/2008 08:40

    See, this is what happens when the hippie liberal freaks win and outlaw seal clubbing:  Jennifer Lopez is allowed to emerge from the ocean and I'm not allowed to hit her with a baseball bad.

  7. Evil Malcom Norris 09/15/2008 08:40

    WTF? Toe clips! 

  8. RemSteale 09/15/2008 08:40

    The Hollies - He Aint Heavy, He's My Brother

  9. Dirty Hairy 09/15/2008 08:40

    Brend0n, sometimes I totally <3 u in a totally homo hetero way.

  10. Bobafet 09/15/2008 08:41

    Whales shouldn't wear spandex

  11. Zack 09/15/2008 08:41

    Bat, damnit.  It came out as "bad" because I have a cold.

  12. penny_dreadful 09/15/2008 08:42

    gosh, i don't know how she managed to squeeze in all that training into her busy schedule of not breast feeding, not working & being pampered. Her nannies must be exhausted, because i can only assume they did all the training for her from that astonishing finish time.

  13. Dirty Hairy 09/15/2008 08:43

    I bet $10 (a lot of money in Iowa!) that fat guy in the last pic beat her in the race.

  14. the d-a-double d-y-m-a-c 09/15/2008 08:45

    Is that fat guy in the last pic Dr. Christian Troy?  He's put on a pound.

  15. lady garden 09/15/2008 08:45

    i don't feel so well

  16. Evil Malcom Norris 09/15/2008 08:46

    Uhh. so many ugly and fat people….*/shudder/* …why god why?!

  17. annieb 09/15/2008 08:47

    7 months people…7 months since she spit not one but TWO things the size of watermellons out of something the size of a peanut.

    So she has put on a little weight…two kids 7 months ago…you have no excuse for your beer gut. 

    Give her a bit of credit!!

     

  18. Paleomiz 09/15/2008 08:51

    Dear Annieb,

    "What Would Tyler Durden Do" is a blog focused on bringing you the latest gossip and news about rich and famous celebrities. And then making fun of them. Why? Because fuck them, that's why.

    Love, The Durdenites

  19. The Wind 09/15/2008 08:53

    Oh, Annie. Our antagonistic nature here, on the surface, seems to be all about appearances. But when one looks deeper, they realize that we're usually mocking "celebrities" who have allowed fame and riches to turn them into truly deplorable human beings. So our ridicule stems from our belief that J-Lo lacks talent, a work ethic, and a moral compass.

     

    Also, something about a 2×4, and her inability to make it through the doorway to the kitchen or something like that. 

  20. the d-a-double d-y-m-a-c 09/15/2008 08:53

    No excuse for my beer gut?  Was that you outside my window a few minutes ago?  (If so, please tell me you didn't seee the ferret.)

1 2 3 4 NEXT >

You must be logged in to post a comment.