tiger woods has confessed to everything. sort of.

No doubt encouraged by Us magazine releasing his voicemails and Radar Online reporting that he paid for Rachel Uchitel to go with him on a trip to Australia last month, Tiger Woods has posted a statement on his website admitting his affairs, asking for privacy and apologizing for his behavior. Some highlights…

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.
… that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
… I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Golf Digest says Tiger has made over $750 million during his career, so he better pray his wife sticks around. They’ve been married 5 years and have a kid. She would make hundreds of millions in a divorce settlement after all this.

If she knows what’s best she’ll swallow her pride and forget it ever happened. He’s already replaced her several times. He could spend 100 million on some elaborate plan to kill her and still come out 300 million dollars ahead. Hell for 100 million he could probably turn her into a newt or send her back to caveman days. Best of luck prosecuting that. Those things might not even be illegal.