tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon March 30, 2010 @ 7:09 PM


KATY PERRY - was at a party this weekend which for some reason had an elephant. But not just any elephant. A smooth talking producer. Now Katy is gonna be in a movie. (full size)

JESSE JAMES - will reportedly get ratted out by a 5th girl who says they had sex while he was married to Sandra Bullock. Stuff like this is why so many prostitutes get murdered, by the way. (radar)

STEVEN SPIELBERG - is a moron. According to the creator of the NBC comedy ‘Community’. I knew there was a reason ‘Community’ was my favorite new show (if you like ‘Modern Family’ better you can kiss my ass).  Actually Vince wrote that last sentence but I would have if he hadn’t because he’s right. So is the guy about the current version of Spielberg. Everyone hated ‘Crystal Skull’ but ‘War of the Worlds’ was right before that and it sucked even more. “Oh no, 10 story tripods from outer space are zapping everyone with lasers. They’re killing everyone! Later we’ll find out they need our blood for fertilizer so it won’t make any fucking sense that they’re turning us into ashes, but until then we should definitely drive 250 miles to Boston. Highways provide a natural barrier from aliens. (5 minutes later) Oh shit no they don’t. Lets run out in the open in that big field with no trees or anything to hide behind. We have to keep going, we must get to Boston.”
“Does Boston have some alien death ray I haven’t heard about?”
“Shut the fuck up.”

(136) Comments

  1. avatar
    SALAJ 03/30/2010 19:10

    My friend told me a nice place SeekingAffluent.com. He said it’s a place where successful men and women reside in the hopes of finding love.

  2. avatar
    Buck 03/30/2010 19:16

    Did you go off your meds?

  3. avatar
    Woodsman 03/30/2010 19:31

    Today’s guest writer:
    The mumbling schizoid who hangs out in transit shelters!

  4. avatar
    Steffabulous 03/30/2010 20:12

    I just saw a proactive commercial with this zitty bitch. She can’t read a cue card for shit.

  5. avatar
    Woodsman 03/30/2010 20:17

    You mean she didn’t memorize her lines before shooting the commercial? Well that wasn’t very (wait for it) … proactive of her was it! (see what I did there?)

  6. avatar
    Steffabulous 03/30/2010 20:19

    I;m stoned so that made me french-laugh very hard. Like ” a haw haw” because that’s how we do it. I enjoyed the music war you all were having earlier.

  7. avatar
    Woodsman 03/30/2010 20:38

    I kept my love for The Go-Gos hidden from view …

  8. avatar
    Woodsman 03/30/2010 20:39

    I knew about the toast and the kissing, surprised to learn you have a trademarked form of laughter as well.

  9. avatar
    pepper 03/30/2010 20:41

    A better guest writer would be the one from Dlisted or drunkenstepfather…..those two are funny…Vince sucks more then you do.
    Who are you going to get next Burnsy?

  10. avatar
    Steffabulous 03/30/2010 20:48

    Nothing wrong with the Go Go’s.

  11. avatar
    Steffabulous 03/30/2010 20:49

    Oh and you forgot “fries”. Or are people still calling them “freedom fries”? Fuck that was stupid

  12. avatar
    pump 03/30/2010 20:50

    Why the fuck am I still working?
    I want to go home and die.

  13. avatar
    pump 03/30/2010 20:51

    Or I want some good looking chick to suck me dry.

  14. avatar
    pump 03/30/2010 20:52


  15. avatar
    pepper 03/30/2010 20:52

    pump..can’t you just use a blow drier?

  16. avatar
    Steffabulous 03/30/2010 20:53

    I hear a ziploc bag with vaseline can work wonders.

  17. avatar
    pump 03/30/2010 20:53

    pep, wouldn’t it cook my already small penis and make it even smaller?

  18. avatar
    pepper 03/30/2010 20:53


  19. avatar
    pepper 03/30/2010 20:54

    Oh…didn’t think about that…..Steff can help you!

  20. avatar
    pump 03/30/2010 20:55

    If I born again, I promise I won’t steal American jobs. This is slave labor.

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