afternoon headlines

By brendon April 28, 2010 @ 3:46 PM


JESSE JAMES - is a jackass who has no one to blame for his problems but himself. Unfortunately he admits that. Which makes it hard to attack him. After the divorce news broke, he said, “Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go.” Ah, yes, but … what about … aw fuck you dude. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to say after that. (people)

HEIDI MONTAG – may be hooked on painkillers as a result of all her plastic surgery. Her friends say, “she’s a shell of her former self”. Meaning what? She’s even more boring and vapid than she used to be? That seems hard to believe. (

JOY RIDDLE - reads Tyler. And she’s a model in this maxim hometown hottie contest. Tyler has more individual readers a month than maxim magazine and twice as many page views as, so I resent that people would use me to get to them. But then Joy did this, and my erection rocketed through my shorts and punched the bottom of my desk. After rolling around on the ground for a few minutes while grabbing my crotch and howling in pain, I forgot what I had been upset about earlier, and devoted all my efforts to seeing underneath her stupid fun-ruining left hand. (facebook)

(99) Comments

  1. avatar
    Dirty Dirt Mcgirk 04/28/2010 16:42

    nothing says hometown hottie like a pair of bolt ons and an eating disorder but hey, at least she’s got no gag reflex??? am i right?

  2. avatar
    Boba Fett 04/28/2010 16:44

    So right.

  3. avatar
    Mike Hunt 04/28/2010 16:45


  4. avatar
    OGWiseman 04/28/2010 16:47

    I like how the “Hometown Hotties” contest, that started with a bunch of college chicks submitting pictures of themselves at parties, has become the “Professional Models Not Even Trying To Pretend To Be Hometown Hotties” contest, that is now uninteresting because it’s exactly like every other fucking modeling website in the world.

  5. avatar
    Mike Hunt 04/28/2010 16:49

    Alright, Bed-wetters
    Whip out your cocks and the last one to spooge on the cookie has to eat it!

  6. avatar
    Watt 04/28/2010 16:49

    Everyone reads Tyler aparently

  7. avatar
    minimosh 04/28/2010 16:49

    she has a body of an Asian tranny.

  8. avatar
    Sensei John Kreese 04/28/2010 16:50

    Sure as shit weren’t girls like that in my hometown.

  9. avatar
    leftnutofjesus 04/28/2010 16:53

    i like the skinnies. her pussy is probably tighter than some of them pliers Bob Vila is hustling around Christmas.

    strip the bitch’s screws out.

  10. avatar
    Watt 04/28/2010 16:54

    Most of the girls I went to school with are fat bitches

  11. avatar
    Beppo 04/28/2010 16:55

    Meinem freunds,
    I must speak quickly while the nurse is away. She has gone out to the market to purchase more scented kerchiefs which she will no doubt insert into my ever-moistened anus.
    Her crimes have escalated to the point where I have been awakening to find my rather generous pubic hair braided and tied with brightly colored ribbons.
    I believe her now to be none other than Himmler’s grand-daughter.
    The feud has now stretched across generations.

  12. avatar
    D. Znuts 04/28/2010 16:56

    I would love to RIDDLE this broad with JOY juice. Hey she’s a reader, I wonder if she’ll read this. Read my penis Joy!

    No seriously I’m actually really nice under my rough-around-the-edges exterior. Call me. :)

  13. avatar
    Sensei John Kreese 04/28/2010 16:56

    And back when I was in high school they all wore fucking flannel to hide their fatness, and vice versa cover their hotness. Dammit I hated being in high school in the 90′s.

  14. avatar
    D. Znuts 04/28/2010 16:57

    OGWiseman: 100% man, nailed it. Still, tits R tits and I’m not looking away.

  15. avatar
    minimosh 04/28/2010 17:01

    there are supposed to be more women than men populating the earth, but I know a LOT more single guys than I do girls.

  16. avatar
    zland 04/28/2010 17:02

    Fuck that ugly cunt. That’s clearly a post-op tranny.

  17. avatar
    D. Znuts 04/28/2010 17:02

    mosh: Seconded. That means all these skanks have two boyfriends. Whores.

  18. avatar
    Sensei John Kreese 04/28/2010 17:02


    I’m not sure what that means, but it’s pure genius.

  19. avatar
    SCUM 04/28/2010 17:04

    She is on Model Mayhem and is a cheerleader for the Knoxville Ice Bears of the Southern Professional Hockey League. I need to get drunk.

  20. avatar
    SCUM 04/28/2010 17:05

    A lot of guys lie about being single.

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