Jennifer Aniston is a screen legend

If there’s one thing actors need more of, it’s special attention and people applauding them for no fucking reason, and so yesterday the 2012 recipients of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame were announced, led by Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez (here’s the full list).

To be honored with a star, one must meet a strict criteria and pass a lengthy and demanding screening process. It’s practically like when Indiana Jones was trying to enter that room with the Holy Grail.

I’m lying of course. These are the only requirements for getting a star:

– professional achievement
– longevity of five years or more
– contributions to the community
– the guarantee that the celebrity will attend the dedication ceremony if selected.

But most importantly, you have to pay the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce $30,000. Which means that the overwhelming number of these ceremonies happen because the actor nominated themselves. That’s how starved they are for attention and acclaim and a podium so they can talk about themselves. And that’s usually when they say this will be great for the fans. Because it’s such a treat to read a name I recognize. Look…

DREW BARRYMORE

Wasn’t that a thrill? Now imagine if that were written on a sidewalk, and you read it while pick-pockets robbed you!