Mark Wahlberg would have stopped 9/11

By brendon January 18, 2012 @ 12:48 PM


Pretend movie tough-guy/real-life jackass Mark Wahlberg has an interview in the new issue of Men’s Fitness, and let’s just get right to it:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:
?“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So, by extension, according to Mark Wahlberg, all the people who were on those planes but did not prevent them from crashing were pussies. Who didn’t love their kids as much as he does. And the people who fought back on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania were lumbering doofuses and crashed anyway.

Clearly that’s not how Mark Wahlberg, who starred in ‘the Italian Job’, would have done it. He would have defeated the terrorists with his movie punches, then landed the plane, on time, and killed the Arab-looking baggage guys just in case. That sure would have been exciting to see! If it’s not too much trouble maybe Wahlberg could dig up some of the lazy assholes who died that day and act it out for me.

(18) Comments

  1. avatar
    Mac-Daddy 01/18/2012 12:51

    I agree with Mark!

  2. avatar
    dubbya 01/18/2012 13:02

    Mark would have taken that plane straight to Iraq and ended this war his way. With bombs. And incomprehensible speech.

  3. avatar
    Cocktail 01/18/2012 13:12

    Who does he think he is? Chuck Norris?

  4. avatar
    harleydavidson 01/18/2012 13:22

    He would have owned those bitches worse than that time knocked the fuck out of Victor Sweet and laid his ass to rest in the Detroit River

  5. avatar
    Sixofour 01/18/2012 13:27

    Well….. 4 or 6 guys with fucking exacto knives against 120 ppl with random weapons and trays and shit??? NO way it should have gone down like it did.

    Pussies all just sat in their seats and cried, mumbling “we are gunna die” instead of taking down 6 dudes with knives. KNIVES!!!!!! IN THIS DAY AND AGE!!!!

    Good on ya mark. I agree

  6. avatar
    SexyRicardSimmons 01/18/2012 13:45

    Hey terrorist! Say hi to your mother for me.

  7. avatar
    SexyRicardSimmons 01/18/2012 13:45

    Homeslice has the right idea. I’m sure he would have at least messed up one or two before they shanked him. Br3nd@ on the other hand would have dropped to his knees and blown the camel jockey’s until they came. He then would have stuck his finger in their butts, smelled it, then passed out knowing he could die now because he was happy and full of camel spunk.

  8. avatar
    CgiBinLaden 01/18/2012 13:47

    @Sixfour – The people on the initial planes did not realize that they would be slammed through a building at high velocity. History showed that at worse, a few of them would die gruesomely, they would sit on a tarmac somewhere for a few days and they’d be released. Safest course of action at the time was to see what was going on, and wait it out.

    When cellphone conversations got back to Flight 93 that this was no run of the mill hijacking, that’s when all hell broke loose on that flight.

    For Mahky Mahk to retahdedly think that he could have changed the outcome of 9/11 just shows you the depth of what he believes to be reality.

    He’s a douche nozzle clogged with a bit of smegma.

  9. avatar
    dubbya 01/18/2012 13:51

    Bronden, put a fucking like button on this shit. SexyRichardSimmons needs some love!

  10. avatar
    CodPiece 01/18/2012 14:17

    He would have saved America with his good vibrations … whatever happened to Cali and the other folk that used to penetrate this place??

  11. avatar
    Mrs. Right 01/18/2012 14:30

    Look, don’t forget that prior to 9/11/01, when planes were hijacked, they were usually taken to another country and the passengers were held hostage for whatever the hijackers wanted (money, guns, release of political dissidents, etc.).

    I doubt ANY of the passengers on the planes suspected these nudniks wanted to kill everyone on board including themselves by flying the planes into buildings. It’s not surprising that most people sat in their seats. I’m sure they figured if they were quiet, the plane would land and the situation would resolve. The people on Flight 93 got wind of what was happening, so they knew they had to do *something*. Knowing what we know now, I’m sure any of us would do what we could to prevent a repeat of those atrocities. We sure as hell should…

  12. avatar
    solomonthewise1 01/18/2012 18:33

    And just when Marky Mark couldnt make himself look any dumber…go back to Executive Producing shows on HBO and shut the fuck up about issues pertaining to national days of mourning. Why dont you focus on the small things like saving your show “How to Make it in America” or why your writers shit the bed with the final season of Entourage.

  13. avatar
    seannn 01/18/2012 18:41

    Flight 11 had an Israeli anti-terrorist special forces member on board. Not a jagoff wigger who beat an old Vietnamese man half to death, a real fucking captain from Sayeret Matkal. A guy whose job was literally killing terrorists and rescuing hostages. Why didn’t he stop the hijacking? Turns out standing up to guys with knives gets you stabbed in the neck. But Marky Mark would have put an end to the whole thing.

  14. avatar
    rhinopartner 01/18/2012 19:42

    Holy Shit, this is funny. Small man complex, definately.

  15. avatar
    zencat002 01/18/2012 23:52

    Fucking asshole.

  16. avatar
    QueerWithaGun 01/19/2012 10:18

    Conservatives are all a bunch of internet tough-guy pussies.

  17. avatar
    cvit0080 01/19/2012 12:23

    He would have made them all listen to “Good Vibrations” and they would have handed over their knives and hogtied themselves; then Marky would have bent them over & had them take all 12 inches of Dirk Digglers manhood. He would have assumed the controls of the plane; done several barrell rolls while drinking a beer & not spilling one drop; he would have landed that plane on the Pacific Coast Highway; then jumped into the Pacific swimming all the way to China; he would have then jogged to Afghanistan; defeated the Taliban with his bare hands & secured Iran, Iraq & Libya; he would have then rested.

  18. avatar
    jonas123 01/19/2012 13:29

    Have a extra time and internet connection, You are skilled in online research?
    Earn up to 40$/hour on online easy work, read more here….

You must be to post a comment.