Gwyneth Paltrow has some sexy Valentine’s advice

By brendon February 10, 2012 @ 7:38 PM


Gwyneth Paltrow loves giving advice, especially to people who never asked for it, and so in honor of Valentines Day, she’s written this weeks Goop newsletter specifically for them.

“This week’s newsletter is not for you. It’s for your other half. We’re giving them some tips and tricks on how to please you not just on this holiday, but every day. So, print, cut below on the dotted line and leave it somewhere they can easily find.”

So, yes, as you probably assumed, Gwyneth’s idea of romance is for a guy to follow the list of instructions she gave him.

7AM or before they wake up:
“Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc.”

Yes, she will. He’ll be thinking, “Why was that bitch going through my phone.”

8AM or before they rise:?
Fail-Proof Breakfast in Bed (in 5 Minutes or Less).

Here she suggests making a yogurt parfait or a goat and cheddar cheese omelette. Personally I would wait about 72 hours before having sex with a girl who just ate 5 pounds of dairy, but I’m sort of a prude.

“Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their pocket (where) you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.”

Keep in mind that this tip, where your girlfriend knows to check for further instructions when she hears an alarm, only works if your girlfriend is Jason Bourne.

3PM: Flowers
Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet.
1. Draw 6 – 12 hearts about 2 inches wide on sheets of colored construction paper. Cut out the hearts and make a ½ inch slit on the side of each heart where you can slide a string through. Write a message on the hearts – maybe all the things you love about them, or an invitation to dinner at home. ??

I’m not sure how to tell you this ladies, but if you’re boyfriend is sending romantic notes written on construction paper, he’s probably a child molester.

(10) Comments

  1. avatar
    Cocktail 02/10/2012 19:53

    What a cunt.

  2. avatar
    Gildorg 02/10/2012 20:16

    I have never liked this stuck-up Biatch!

    Just because Obs, is killing with the links today, I had to reshare this one!

    Now I would like to research if Lindsay flinches when she gets ass fucked or not…

  3. avatar
    Yourmothersawhoor 02/10/2012 21:21

    I love you and I love that you hate Gwyneth Paltrow as much as I do. Her surprise evening plans for her husband would probably involve her eating cheese made out of her own breastmilk as she goes down on a cardboard standup of herself.

  4. avatar
    Crumb Crisp Coating 02/10/2012 21:37

    Die in a fire cunt.

  5. avatar
    zencat002 02/11/2012 00:21

    Her vagina probably smells like old cottage cheese and anger.

  6. avatar
    pinner 02/11/2012 22:20


  7. avatar
    foywen44 02/12/2012 00:10

    Everything you said T was so damn funny to me..i cant stop laughing..Thank you!

  8. avatar
    BA732 02/12/2012 20:10

    yea right gwen u white piece of bread…

  9. avatar
    dominica89 02/12/2012 20:38

    the last bit about the child molester had me in tears :D Niceeeee!

    I added cool smileys to this message… if you don’t see them go to:

  10. avatar
    harleydavidson 02/13/2012 09:31

    how can one so average looking and lacking in talent be such a stuck up cunt?

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