Madonna is a simple midwest girl, football player

Apparently we’re really doing this and Madonna, who is 53 and only liked by middle aged women and drag queens, will be performing at the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Yesterday she met with the media to talk about the show, then danced around for reasons that were probably even more annoying in person than they are in pictures, and explained that she’s actually just a simple girl from the heartland. And also a football player.

She told reporters at a press conference in Indianapolis, “This is a Midwesterner girl’s dream.”
One minor setback? A strained hamstring. But the 53-year-old insists she’s as battle-ready as any player on the Patriots or the Giants thanks to “lots of warm-ups and taping and ultrasound.”
“I feel like one of the football players now,” she said. “Mind over matter.”

Holy shit! If she feels like one of the football players, that means one of the football players feels like a frail old lady. But which one? Which team is he on? I HAVE MONEY ON THIS GAME!