Gwyneth Paltrow would like to sell you this $185 bikini

By brendon July 16, 2012 @ 4:10 PM


Normally, Gwyneth Paltrows website Goop is all about giving out advice, because Gwyneth Paltrow is just like you! (note: Gwyneth Paltrow is nothing like you) but now she’s added a store to sell clothes made exclusively for the site.

As a simple working mom, Paltrow knows people need basics, like a white t-shirt, which she calls an “essential wardrobe staple”, and then charges $90 for. Now she’s introducing a simple black bikini that sells for $185.

Of course, you could get a similar bikini from Victorias Secret for $24, but would it have “adjustable tie-strings that help flatter your shape”? NO! Those tie-strings are locked into place. Other bikinis are made from a resin that’s poured into a mold, they’re completely rigid, and any attempt to adjust them to flatter your shape will only embarrass you further.

(15) Comments

  1. avatar
    Observer 07/16/2012 16:15

    185 bucks….!!!!!

    …and only B-cups……..?

    What a fucking BITCH…!

  2. avatar
    Smacko 07/16/2012 16:27

    I once shit in my pants

  3. avatar
    Mr. Pickles 07/16/2012 16:35

    I spent $350 on blow on Friday. Seems I could have bought half as much and worn this bikini all wknd!



  4. avatar
    Papa 07/16/2012 16:49

    What the hell is crochet?

    Hemingway’s Foyer – Your Last Place To Be A Man

  5. avatar
    Mr. Poop 07/16/2012 16:55

    I shit in the front yard once when I was 8 years old.

  6. avatar
    harleydavidson 07/16/2012 16:56

    my $5 garage sale speedo looks better than that shit.

    of course it also came with crabs but i was able to solve that

  7. avatar
    Mr. Pickles 07/16/2012 17:00

    Farrah Fawcett shit in the front yard of a fancy Hollywood party once. Tis true.


  8. avatar
    Mr. Poop 07/16/2012 17:12

    I have never shit in an airplane

  9. avatar
    SomeoneluvsU 07/16/2012 17:15

    Does it come with a complementary hand job from Paltrow?
    (since at that 185 price she’s already fucked you)…

  10. avatar
    Mr. Pickles 07/16/2012 17:22

    My buddy had to shit in LA once and he leaned up against a building (it was dark) and took a shit on the side. Later, he found he lost his phone. He got a phone call the next day from a church that found the phone, next to his steamy pile.


  11. avatar
    Mr. Pickles 07/16/2012 17:44

    How about. No. Thank you.


  12. avatar
    Rok 07/16/2012 17:54

    I shit my pants once too. Luckily it was in a hotel lobby before a meeting and I had time to go up and wash my ass and put on clean underwear.

    Unfortunately, my shirt sleeve got in the way when I was wiping my ass and I had a shit stain on it all day.

    Not only did it smell bad, but the button scraped my asshole and I couldn’t get the shit out of it.

  13. avatar
    Mr. Pickles 07/16/2012 17:59


    New Xenu spawn up.

  14. avatar
    Raymond K. Hessel 07/17/2012 11:58

    Chicago… Taking the lead from Atlanta as the next city to be “Detroited”.

  15. avatar
    blueshoptrade 07/19/2012 00:20 accept cc or wu or bank transfer

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