Heidi Klum doesn’t eat bacon. Or burgers. Or drink Jim Beam. But she’s been going around saying she does which still totally qualifies her to serve as blonde pimp for the new bacon-packed Carl’s Jr. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger. And why people give a rat’s ass whether or not she actually eats her entire month’s allotment of calories in one mighty-tasty sounding burger I don’t know. Does Captain Kirk really use Priceline? Does Michael Jordan really wear low-budget Hanes undershirts? I don’t give a fuck and I could care less, respectively. Do I want the product? Yes, I want a fucking burger that tastes like bacon and booze and will make me experience the rush of ten millions years of male domination. More importantly, I want to eat that arterial assassin while watching Heidi Klum in lingerie pretending to be a hot mom seducing a young man with a dripping hunk of beef.
Where will Heidi’s Carl’s Jr. commercial stack up against previous sexy celebrities writhing and pimping for burger sales?