How To Pick The Next Pope

By Michael March 12, 2013 @ 2:05 PM

The cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church have locked themselves in the Sistine Chapel to pick the next pope. These old fuckers in red dresses are responsible for electing the guy who will save the Church…or not. Not to be overly-dramatic but the world’s most powerful Church is falling to pieces. Why? Because approximately 89% of people don’t like organizations that protect perverts that rape children. Cardinals in the U.S. are under suspicion for looking the other way while kiddie fiddlers were allowed to continue as priests. The Church is hemorrhaging members. It’s possibly the biggest crisis since the Protestant reformation. So, may I suggest a way to pick the next pope.

Take a Blu-Ray player into the Sistine Chapel and play a movie of kids in bathing suits playing at the beach. Then tell them to raise their fruity capes to check for boners. Anyone with a stiffy is immediately beaten to death with a 2×4. Anyone who tries to help these shitburgers also gets beaten. Whoever is left… say hello to your new Pope.

(11) Comments

  1. avatar
    CgiBinLaden 03/12/2013 14:19

    You failed to mention the white smoke.

    Smoke is a great gimmick to boost the mystique of a situation, look what it did for the capture of Christopher Dorner.

  2. avatar
    God Hath Spoken 03/12/2013 14:22

    I prefer the volcano test. Remember the volcano’s made in grade school science class. Yeah make one of those, light it and if the potential pope is to busy blowing a 12 year old you know notice the glorious volcano he’s not your guy.

  3. avatar
    God Hath Spoken 03/12/2013 14:23


  4. avatar
    alexjanes 03/12/2013 14:41

    easiest test would be to send in a young boy to the Sistine chapel. When all the priests come out whoever is not smelling his fingers will be declared the newest pope…unless he’s smelling someone else’s finger…or high-fiving….Crap let me re-think this.

  5. avatar
    Morgan Fistman 03/12/2013 14:41

    WTF is this bullshit? WHERE ARE THE TITS? We’re not here to read your inane musings on world events, we’re here for the fucking tits!

  6. avatar
    RangerLG 03/12/2013 14:45

    If this is something I should care about, may the lord strike me down for not. Hmm, nothing. Then I don’t give a shi———————————-.

  7. avatar
    Beppo 03/12/2013 14:49

    My priest when I was a boy was a saint.

    He taught me how to polish his candlestick

  8. avatar
    alexjanes 03/12/2013 14:56

    OK I think I have this figured out.

    Breathalyzer tests. you recalibrate a breathalyzer to detect penis. any priest who blows under a .08 is out

    and the last 3 priests remaining will be entered into wrestling ring. The fancy popin’ hat will be suspended high above the ring. The first priest to reach it will be declared the undisputed pope

  9. avatar
    Maybe_Observer 03/12/2013 20:24

    People didn’t leave the Catholic Church because of the kiddie porkin””””

    ….they no longer understood it after they stopped speaking Latin…..

  10. avatar
    woody 03/12/2013 21:54


  11. avatar
    Craig328 03/13/2013 11:44

    But some of us give a fuck enough about it to take the time to login and post about it, right?

    Isn’t there a leg somewhere in your area that’s going un-humped right now?

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