The cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church have locked themselves in the Sistine Chapel to pick the next pope. These old fuckers in red dresses are responsible for electing the guy who will save the Church...or not. Not to be overly-dramatic but the world's most powerful Church is falling to pieces. Why? Because approximately 89% of people don't like organizations that protect perverts that rape children. Cardinals in the U.S. are under suspicion for looking the other way while kiddie fiddlers were allowed to continue as priests. The Church is hemorrhaging members. It's possibly the biggest crisis since the Protestant reformation. So, may I suggest a way to pick the next pope.
Take a Blu-Ray player into the Sistine Chapel and play a movie of kids in bathing suits playing at the beach. Then tell them to raise their fruity capes to check for boners. Anyone with a stiffy is immediately beaten to death with a 2x4. Anyone who tries to help these shitburgers also gets beaten. Whoever is left... say hello to your new Pope.