I Guess Jesus Is A Good Wingman

March 15, 2013 | celebrity | editor | 0 Comments

An Indiana pastor named Jack Schaap had the ultimate wing man: Jesus. Not Jesus, the Mexican guy that works at the Shell station, but Jesus H. Christ. Schaap got shit canned from his job at a megachurch because he was banging one of his teenage parishioners. How does a slimy evangelical redneck preacher get in a nice Christian girl’s panties? Tell her Jesus wants them to make dirty pig love, of course! In one of the letters that the cops have released Schaap says, “In our ‘fantasy talk,’ you have affectionately spoken of being ‘my wife, That is exactly what Christ desires for us. He wants to marry us + become eternal lovers!” And it worked! She fell for that shit.

While I think this guy is a piece of crap for seducing a minor in his care, I can’t help but respect the technique. Most men tend to try flattery or copious amounts of alcohol to seal the deal. Who knew that all you had to do was tell the girl that Jesus wants you two to bone? I wonder if it works in other religions too? “Hey baby, the elephant headed god Ganesha thinks you should schlobble my knobble.”

Enjoy this bizarre video of Schaap screaming and simulating masturbation with an arrow.


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