Kim Thinks Kanye Is Going To Cheat

Most mothers-to-be are told daily that they look beautiful even when they put on the baby weight, but Kim Kardashian is so worried about her 65 pound weight gain that she’s terrified Kanye West is going to cheat on her, according to a bombshell exclusive report in the new issue of the National Enquirer.

And she’s right, he will cheat. But it’s not because you’re enormous and sex with you now makes your bed sound like a suspension bridge swaying in the wind. No, it’s because your family is a bunch of soul sucking harpies. Every picture the guy is in now he looks like he is plotting a fucking murder because he knows he is attached to you for 18 more years. Being with your mom has made Bruce Jenner the most miserable sack of shit in Hollywood. His best days now are when his scheming shriek of a wife is out of the house and he gets to run down to the Cheesecake Factory to drown his sorrows in a Chinese Chicken Salad and a bottle or two of Scotch. Kanye knows that’s his future. So you can go on living your life thinking he will cheat on you because you packed on a few lbs, but way deep down, past all the fat, you’ll know it’s because you are the most despicable, status obsessed empty pie-hole in an industry full of status obsessed empty pie-holes.