Auntie Maret Isn’t Happy

Maret Tsarnaeva is the aunt of everyone’s favorite murdering nutjobs, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev. She lives in Toronto and has been…shall we say…outspoken in defense of her nephews. She claims, just like other conspiracy theorist nutjobs, that the boys were set up. She said, “They made our boys enemies of the American nation, they made them victims of the conspiracy. They needed somebody to blame for something they committed themselves so they got them, so rejoice people, rejoice.” We did rejoice. Did you not see Neil Diamond at Fenway? You can’t rejoice harder than with a little taste of the cantor’s son.

Naturally, Auntie Maret has been getting threatening phone calls telling her it’s time for her to go if she hates America and our hockey playing friends up north so much. She then retorted, “Yes, it is time. We did not find that promise — democracy — in this country. But if I go home, I will go home only with bodies of my nephews.” Please, be our guest. You might need some duct tape for the older nephew’s body. Have fun in Chechnya. I hear it’s beautiful in the Spring.