Kim Kardashian Divorce Settlement Banged Out

I guess it was to be expected. Kim Kardashian did not want to spend time on the witness stand looking like a total whore. Kris Humphreys did not want to spend time on the witness stand looking like the jackass who thinks he’s getting lucky with a lady only to be the last to learn she’s a pro. So, the two sides settled today on the terms of their divorce. And, by ‘terms of divorce’, let’s be clear, they mean who gets how much cash to shut the fuck up about everything ever. I imagine this is what happens when two vultures swoop down from separate angles toward a rotting carcass and eye each other face to face. First, they’re scared, followed by ashamed, followed by a general acknowledgement to start dining on the carrion before others arrive and steal their eats.