Chris Christie Decides To Stop Being Such A Fat Fuck

Chris Christie, the fatty fatty boom batty governor of New Jersey, revealed that he got lap band surgery in February. Christie became a national figure after his speech at the GOP convention in 2012 and then his able handling of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy. But whenever anyone brought up a possible presidential run in 2016 it was immediately dismissed by pundits mostly because he’s fat as fuck. When Teddy Roosevelt had wicked asthma as a kid, he forced himself outdoors until he painfully wheezed himself into a cute. He was a badass. Chris Christie essentially put a lock on his fridge door because he can’t stop stuffing his face with pastries. What if he can’t control his urge to invade Switzerland or change the national anthem to a really long Bruce Springsteen ballad? There’s no lap band for that. We’re fucked.