Mariah Carey has a new music video called ‘Beautiful’. I’m not going to listen to it, but I’m told it’s about how much she loves a guy. It could be Nick Cannon I suppose, though that seems unlikely. Nobody really loves Nick Cannon, they just kind of find him okay. If he was a fruit, he’d be a plain red apple. He’s in every fruit assortment, but nobody picks him first. Certainly nobody’s going to write a song about him that contains this powerful callout:
“Ooh, you make me feel undressable”
I first thought it referred to the team of stevedores Mariah requires to unload her from the trusses that bind her body for public appearances. But now I realize it just means she really wants to fuck a guy who isn’t Nick Cannon. Fair enough. Nobody wants to fuck the apple.