Candles Weren’t The Only Thing Malia Brooks Was Blowing Out at School

By my rough estimation, every single boy in this country is now having sex with his female teacher. I didn’t have to walk ten miles in the snow to get to school, but I can tell you I was absolutely denied hummers from my reasonably attractive 30-something female teachers. What made me so fucking un-molestable? I was good at secrets. I wouldn’t have told anybody. Not like these tattletales who can’t just shut the fuck up about having their knobs gobbled on by some mentally disturbed faculty member. So, yeah, I guess I am jealous of this boy in Simi Valley who sixth grade teacher Malia Brooks was keeping after class. At least until I read this count in the criminal charge, past the victimless part about the blow jobs:

three counts of genital penetration with a foreign object.

And, then, not so much. I don’t even know what the fuck that means, but this monster needs to go to jail.