Kardashian Baby Arrives, Just as Was Foretold

I can tell you now that a well-placed source within the Kardashian camp, let’s call her, Whore X, clued me into the fact that this baby wasn’t coming in mid-July. That was a shady ruse designed to deke the press, at least the ones who didn’t pay seven figures exclusive coverage deals. Since nobody listened to Father Brennan once again, the devil baby is upon us. What shall be our end times? Brimstone? Locusts? A Keeping Up With the Kardashian Bastard Babies spinoff? The only person truly happy with the birth news was Kanye, and that’s because he was getting his knob polished by a girl with low self esteem backstage at his concert as Kim was kegeling out little Damiena.