Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd Finally Free to Marry

If you’re already married, you’re not as good a person as Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd. The newly named Sexiest Celebrity Vegetarians badly wanted to express their undying affection for one another and validate their powerful baby-producing lovemaking with the ritual of marriage. But they would not allow themselves such a privilege when gay men and women across this land were denied the same right. So, they abstained. At great cost too. How can one even begin to assess the cost of not being married? Inestimable. But, now, DOMA has been overturned, people who actually know how to dance at weddings are free to wed, and Kristen has asked Dax to marry her. The lady asking the man! These two are a real treasure. It would be devastating if a giant bird descended from the sky and plucked them both to pieces. Why can’t I stop thinking about that?