Queen Elizabeth Gets A Raise

June 29, 2013 | celebrity | editor | 0 Comments

Queen Elizabeth, the richest old working broad on Earth, is getting a pay raise. Her “salary” was £36.1 million a year but is now going to be £37.9 million, (that’s like $57 million in real money). The Queen basically gets a shitload of tax money every year for queening, which as far as I can tell involves her not dying. The government figured that since she had managed to not croak for 50 years and did that one video with Daniel Craig for the 2012 Olympics she deserved more money from people who actually work for a living. She says she’ll use most of the money for much needed repairs to her many castles. Basically it’s a home improvement loan that she never has to pay back because she is the queen.

It’s times like this that make me glad I’m an American. Liz’s only qualification for that money is being the product of centuries of cousins fucking. If that is all it takes then everyone in Mississippi is a fucking emperor. In this country, you can’t just say here’s my last name, now pay me my money, bitches. You have to have some talent and do a little work. Or at least film yourself having sex and be on a reality TV show. If I was British, I’d tell Liz to pay to fix her own fucking palaces. Only I’d say it really politely and far more subtly, like the Brits do. She is the queen after all.