Science And The Average American Dick

By Michael July 17, 2013 @ 2:50 PM

Scientists have crunched the numbers and found that the average American dick size is 5.6 inches long. The cockologists compiled the data using a group of over 1600 men and discovered that American men mostly fall right in the middle of the spectrum. The longest dong they looked at was 10.2 inches and the smallest was a horrifying 1.2 inches erect, (you poor, poor bastard that obviously isn’t me). The men could get a friend to help and the doctors found that the men who had some assistance got bigger erections than the guys that just whacked it to an old Land’s End catalog someone left in the waiting room. While, I guess, 5.6 inches isn’t bad it isn’t good either. I think we can do better, America!

We’ve all been to the gym and been accosted by some talkative naked old dude in the locker room. What’s the one thing you took away from that encounter, besides the resident stench of old after-shave balm? That old guys usually have unshackled dangling hairy shlongs. Why is that? Because American men used to be bigger badasses than we are today. Your grandfather killed Nazis, defeated commies, built America into the richest nation on Earth, all while working hard and banging your grandma. Today we sit behind our desks and eat arugula paninis while our nation turns into pussylandia. I can’t prove that the girly way we live today has made the American penis smaller but I am going to hypothesize that it has. For God’s sake eat some red meat and go build something impressive so that future generations of American males can still produce children.


(4) Comments

  1. avatar
    Shortshanks 07/17/2013 17:03

    Mine is a good size for a boy my age……

    …ask Kevin Costner….

  2. avatar
    ExBetaBoy 07/17/2013 18:39

    As an old guy I can tell that ain’t it. Dicks, noses and ears continue to grow slowly through your whole life. Unfortunately, it won’t stay up as well as it used and you get hair in your ears, so the extra size is more than offset by the downsides.

  3. avatar
    knox 07/17/2013 19:03

    Bigger than avg! Yes!

    Maybe its 9, maybe its 11…maybe its 6, but ive got more dick than you (probably)

  4. avatar
    Vixylicious 07/18/2013 06:27

    That last paragraph made me shoot green tea out of my nose and across my keyboard! :D Love it! And you’re probably right. Bunch of pansies compared to the real men of yesteryear… sigh…

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