Science And The Average American Dick

July 18, 2013 | WTF | editor | 0 Comments

Scientists have crunched the numbers and found that the average American dick size is 5.6 inches long. The cockologists compiled the data using a group of over 1600 men and discovered that American men mostly fall right in the middle of the spectrum. The longest dong they looked at was 10.2 inches and the smallest was a horrifying 1.2 inches erect, (you poor, poor bastard that obviously isn’t me). The men could get a friend to help and the doctors found that the men who had some assistance got bigger erections than the guys that just whacked it to an old Land’s End catalog someone left in the waiting room. While, I guess, 5.6 inches isn’t bad it isn’t good either. I think we can do better, America!

We’ve all been to the gym and been accosted by some talkative naked old dude in the locker room. What’s the one thing you took away from that encounter, besides the resident stench of old after-shave balm? That old guys usually have unshackled dangling hairy shlongs. Why is that? Because American men used to be bigger badasses than we are today. Your grandfather killed Nazis, defeated commies, built America into the richest nation on Earth, all while working hard and banging your grandma. Today we sit behind our desks and eat arugula paninis while our nation turns into pussylandia. I can’t prove that the girly way we live today has made the American penis smaller but I am going to hypothesize that it has. For God’s sake eat some red meat and go build something impressive so that future generations of American males can still produce children.