Snooki Now Weighs Less Than a Baby Dolphin

Ah, baby dolphins are so cute. I think. I don’t really know. I do know at some point they grow up into adult sized dolphins and try to forcibly inseminate tourists from Kansas in hotel dolphin petting pools then we have to shoot them in the head and eat them. Damn rapey dolphins. But when born, your typical dolphin weighs just a hair over the newly carved up, starved, and patched back up again Snooki. Nobody’s going to call Snooki a fat little drunken troll any longer. Because that ‘fat’ part no longer sticks. Not after Snooki has dropped to double digits in weight a year now after giving birth to her first bastard child.

“I’m 4-foot-9, which is the size of a third grader, so weighing 96 pounds is normal for me.” — Snooki to InTouch Weekly.

Which completely makes sense. If you’re an actual third-grader. And not just your educational level. When you’re 25 and the star of numerous total pieces of crap media ventures and a role model to slutty plastic surgery midgets everywhere, you simply can’t weigh double digits. Just pack on five and this becomes a non-issue. Or lose another fifty and the same.