Ariel Castro Sex-Choked Himself to Death

Some dudes just really dig freaky weird wrong sex a whole lot. Ariel Castro was just such a man. When he wasn’t driving his bus, he liked to lock young ladies in the rape rooms of his Cleveland house for years on end. Sort of like John Sr. on The Waltons, but without the overalls. Once in prison for 666 years, the guy didn’t take long to figure out how to tie up a bed sheet to pleasure himself during a good asphyxiation. Everybody assumed Ariel Castro hung himself in shame or self-spite or just the despair of his solitary sentence. Nope, he just wanted one last good whack. I suppose there’s something to be said for consistency.