High School Bans Twerking

A high school in Maryland has done the unthinkable and banned twerking and other “suggestive dancing”. It seems that the school administrators are wary of the rise in popularity of the ass shaking dance made famous by the internet and Miley Cyrus’ flat ass. The students will have to sign a contract swearing that at the homecoming dance they will partake in “no grinding, intimate touching or dancing with your buttocks touching or in the air.” What the fuck is the fun in that? The reason isn’t what you might think, namely that it’s slutty and ends with girls getting pregnant in the back of a Toyota Cressida. No, the reason is that the school doesn’t want the students not taking part in the grinding to feel left out.

Now, as a guy who was regularly left out of sexually explicit grinding I can sympathize. But I wouldn’t begrudge my luckier classmates from the joys of clothed rhythmic dry humping. That kind of homegrown supply keeps the prices down for guys like me paying for it in the champagne room at Dom’s House of Girls. It’s just another example of our self-esteem obsessed parenting culture is costing me money.