I’m Pissed and I Want to Complain, But How?

I’ve been receiving a bunch of angry letters from the public figures who routinely appear covered on this site. There’s no formal process for people to voice their concern over having phrases such as ‘urine-soaked tranny’ or ‘bottomless jizz receptacle’ applied to their character. So I’ve set one up. I’d only ask that before you file a complaint, please read through the self-awareness test I just spent two minutes creating to see if any of the following apply to you:

Jesus whispered in my ear that I’m going to the special whites only heaven.

I deserve things for wanting them badly enough.

It’s not wrong to have sex with your father if your mom shops too much.

When I’m famous, people will stop thinking I’m such an enormous twat.

It’s only prostitution if I didn’t enjoy some part of it.

If any of these statements ring true to you, please, hold off on filing that complaint. I’ll get back to you with further instructions. If you still feel compelled to transmit a grievance, here’s the process you should follow:

1. Write a scathing, threatening letter employing the use of all CAPS, subpar syntax, and be sure to include an exclamation point after all misspelled words, especially leagle!

2. Don’t just write an email. Pen a correspondence on decent note paper to give an official looking appearance.

3. When you’ve completed your letter and you’re quite proud of it, roll it up into a scroll. Place your right hand firmly on the table in front of you, bend forward at approximately 40-degrees, lower your trousers as they say in Britain, and, with as much force as your specific anatomy requires, shove that complaint deep and far up your rectum. When you catch a taste of the parchment in the back of your mouth, you can stop pushing.

4. Patiently await your response.

Hope that HELPS!