Somali Pirates Buzzkilled by Britney Spears

The latest weapon in the fight against Somali pirates is the music of Britney Spears. The waters off the coast of East Africa are notoriously infested by pirates. These guys aren’t Johnny fucking Depp either. They’re desperate dudes with Russian rifles and machetes. The U.S. navy has discovered that blaring Britney from the ship’s loudspeakers is usually enough to scare the pirates off. Classic Britney songs like Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again tend to work best. A spokesman for the Navy says,

“It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns. As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can.”

The reason they supposedly hate Britney so much is that as devout Muslims they find her music offensive. Or maybe the Somali pirates just have better musical tastes than the average American teenager circa 1999. If that Captain Phillips guy had only had a copy of Toxic then he wouldn’t have been kidnapped and we wouldn’t have had to see the trailer for that fucking movie for the last year and a half.