Chris Brown Probation Revoked, Then Patted On the Head

Chris Brown has had his probation revoked for being an angry douche. You’ll recall that the singer was given five years probation for beating the snot out of Rihanna. He had some trouble living up to the specifics of the probation agreement, including assault charges for a recent fight in DC. But before you go dreaming about sugar plum fairies raping Chris Brown in prison, the judge decided that Chris doesn’t have to go to jail because he’s doing so well in anger management rehab. They swapped out his weed for new prescription meds that keep him from going full Hulk when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants in life at any given moment. Also, he’s a celebrity so he doesn’t actually ever go to jail, the court just pretends he might. His probation officer recommended Chris move into a halfway house of some kind after rehab, but Chris told the court that would deny him his ability to be a ‘full artist’. Nobody knows what that means exactly, but it seemed to make sense to the judge as he collected some Chris Brown autographed albums for his grandkids.