Jesus was born on this day back in 0. Jesus was a carpenter by trade. He may have been black, he may have been white, he was definitely Jewish and like many men of the Hebraic faith, he never got laid. Ask any guy at a Northeastern liberal arts college who isn’t old money or in the marching band how that feels. Today, most people celebrate Jesus’ birth by crushing the elderly at Walmart or making out with somebody heavyset at their office holiday party. Not the Christmas party, the holiday party. In Los Angeles, it’s not uncommon for lesbian moms to allow their adopted Malawi babies to place the first ornament on the tree, to symbolize how their bio families back in Malawi haven’t eaten solid food since September. Paris Hilton got a portrait of herself for Christmas. She’s telling everybody it’s a picture of what her identical twin sister would have looked like today if she had had an identical twin sister. It makes Paris chuckle even when she’s relatively sober so everybody has decided to let her keep saying it. Larry Csonka was born on this day in 1948. Larry Csonka almost had to retire from pro football after his first two seasons with multiple concussions and lousy performance. When Don Shula became his coach, he taught him to stop running head first into tackles and to lead with his forearm. Csonka went on to five Pro Bowl appearances and a Super Bowl MVP. Maybe Jesus sent Shula. This is Christmas.