I was going to ask who the fuck watches the Michael Buble Christmas Special, now in its third year of providing banal entertainment to the elderly and infirmed (I guess I just answered my own question). The better question is who writes the monologue he has to uncomfortably deliver at the beginning of the show? Buble kicked off his special with the following ha-ha about advice from fellow musicians on how to make his show amazing:
Miley Cyrus said I should start the show by twerking in an elf outfit, Justin Bieber said I should drive 140 mph through a residential zone, and Chris Brown told me if I did either of those things he would punch me in the face.
His audience laughed, which made me believe none of them had any idea what the hell he was talking about but were instead looking at show producers pantomiming uproarious chuckles. That got Chris Brown defenders into a tizzy online, which was actually helpful in compiling a list of the first people to euthanize when it’s time to cull the herd. Since nobody under nearly-dead was actually watching the show, I’m not sure how the wayward teen cretins who would take the time to defend Chris Brown even knew about this poorly delivered joke. I guess their underground is stronger than first thought. We’re going to need more spray.