A woman called the cops on Kellen Winslow, Jr. for beating his Winslow meat in the parking lot at Target. As any veteran of public masturbation knows, you need to have a quick alibi in the event some random woman narcs on you. Saying you were taking a leak like Ice-T’s son won’t always cut it, especially if you’re behind the steering wheel of your car. Winslow was all set to go with a more mysterious tale through his publicist:
Kellen pulled over to a parking lot to smoke what he thought at the time was a legal substance. He changed his clothes in his vehicle as not to smell like smoke when he returned home . [sic] There was absolutely nothing inappropriate that took place and if there was police would have investigated further and charged Kellen which they did not. This will be the only time we will comment on this unfounded and ridiculous claim.
That he-thunk legal substance turned out to be synthetic marijuana, which the cops found in Winslow’s car along with two jars of vaseline on his dash, you know, like people often have on their dash in case they need to inspect an ailing fellow citizen for blood in their stool. The reason Kellen’s junk was visible was obviously his changing his clothes in the car, you know, like people often do outside Target. Your family does expect you to smell spring fresh when you come back from Target.
With so many NFL players accused of sexual assault or knocking up shrieking baby mamas, it’s kind of refreshing to have a player tending to his own business peacefully in his parked car. The real issue is, what the hell is he looking at when he’s masturbating outside a Target store. You got your chunky flustered moms, your screaming kids, and your hobos soaked in their own or somebody else’s urine. If I’m masturbating in a parking lot, I’m thinking Whole Foods, maybe a high-end gym, or the circus. I like elephants, a lot. They probably should arrest Kellen Winslow and make him confess what he was eyeballing when he let it fly, but they didn’t. The cops just gave him a ticket for the fake pot and tried to remember if he had touched their jackets at all during their meeting.