Back in the day, you could spy on a woman getting out of her gym clothes and if you got caught, you might receive a shriek or a smack in the face. Now you get arrested, jailed, and put up on a website as a blue dot for the rest of your life. You end up pulling the holiday shift in the shoe department at Macy's. America kind of lost its fun along the way. I blame men who wear colorful sweaters. Those sackless mofos have let the happy hiss out of this country like air escaping a party balloon I bet Maria Menounos would get a kick out of finding me in her HVAC duct spying on her removing her sweaty sports bra. We'd have a good laugh, maybe share a couple ouzos, and mate like the last two rabbits on the planet. Then I'd wake up and find myself with an ankle bracelet and a fat lady's swollen foot in my hand in Macy's Footwear. Because life just isn't randomly kind.
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