You know who never gets killed? Miss Iceland. The leading cause of unnatural death in Iceland is Tom Cruise smothering his secret gay lovers before they can talk to the press. In Venezuela, it’s mostly people shooting the shit out of each other. While Honduras and El Salvador have made a bid for the vaunted title of Most Violent Fucking Place in the Western Hemisphere, Venezuela keeps taking those crowns. I guess the bad guys in Venezuela, also known as Venezuelans, didn’t get the memo on the country’s highly restrictive gun ownership laws because the murder rate is now 12 times the global average. If you live in Caracas, there’s an 80% chance you’ll be shot before next Tuesday. Most people are locking themselves indoors after sunset, reading their Che Guevara literature and watching the soaps. Only they can’t see former Miss Venezuela Monica Spear anymore in her show because she got killed when robbers came upon her and her ex-husband when their car broke down on the roadside. If your car breaks down after dark in Venezuela, you can forget about making it to next Tuesday. The armed robbers didn’t shoot the couples five year old daughter, but did promise her that statistically speaking if she remained in Venezuela she too would be shot in the not too distant future, so no need to cry over missing mommy and daddy for long. If you haven’t booked your summer travel to Venezuela yet, now would be the time. I hear the mountains there are a beautiful place to die.
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