That four ring circus of everything but music jumped the auto-tuned shark last night when Queen Latifah married thirty-four couples on stage while Macklemore and Roy Rogers sang Same Love, a song about how all love is special love, including I think furry cosplay creampies, but I’m still checking the lyrics. Madonna wanted the world to know that banging African men half your age is same love, though it’s important to actually only marry successful white guys. Macklemore wanted to triple apologize to everybody for not being gay himself, though if only God had answered his prayers. And Queen Latifah just wanted to do anything on stage since she shat out 40 lbs for her daytime talk show. It all culminated in the Queen joining a few dozen couples on stage in holy matrimony. There were midgets and old people and Mexicans marrying Jews and I think one Yemeni stone mason married his four-year old second cousin, but the social statement oomph was the marriage of the gay couples. Using her regal powers, Latifah married them all in one fell swoop, signifying the hyper-holy nature of matrimony on national television set to Madonna music.
Grammy producers were quick to insist that the marriage set wasn’t just a publicity stunt. They also insisted that music sales are going great and American record stores continue to thrive.
“We don’t need to stoop to the level of trying to find gimmicks and sensationalistic approaches to what we do”
–Neil Portnow, the president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences
Neil, this would be the time to shut the fuck up, you know what you did. Now there’s a Yemeni dude raping a child on their wedding night and you are most definitely to blame. Still, you beat The Bachelor in ratings. Thirty-four gimmick weddings trounce one.