Tori Spelling’s Husband Is Headed to Rehab

I bet if they changed the name ‘rehab’ to ‘giant pussy convalescent center’ less celebrities would issue heartfelt public statements about heading off to Malibu for three weeks of cigarettes and counseling. Tori Spelling’s husband is going, though it’s not exactly clear why. Still, it’s part of the Hollywood contrition cycle, so he issued a statement:

I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.

Whoa, what a tank of shit that is. When you get loaded and bone girls half your age in hotel rooms, you don’t have a drinking problem, and you don’t have a sex problem, you have a wife problem. You don’t go to rehab for that. You go to a lawyer for that. Dean McDermott has done this before. Make some babies, decide he wants a different wife, make some more babies, insemination ad nauseum. Just move on, you big fucking baby-making pussy. Finding a job isn’t all that hard. You might even discover a condom comes into play when you’ve actually worked for the money now being confiscated to pay for your cream pie pursuits. Rehab is for quitters. You’re not a quitter. You’re a loser. You don’t need a group hug in Malibu to figure that out.