Bob Costas Collapses Under Weight of Eye Puss

Even hardened Russian mafia members were cringing in their furry Western boots at the sight of the ooze and puss and lachrymal matter dripping from the blood-orange eyes of Bob Costas in his TV nest in Sochi. It’s been like watching a whore’s vagina expel regret after a particularly eventful Vegas convention weekend. Nobody knows how Costas got his pink-eye, everybody just wants it to go far the fuck away. You can’t just put on a pair of spectacles and expect the world not to notice Kilauea is flinging eyeball magma. NBC announced this morning that Costas was being sent to quarantine in Irkutsk and Matt Lauer and his trying-hard-not-to-look-gay mustache would be taking over. Then NBC reminded everybody that it’s February and crappy made up winter sports are all you got, so shut the fuck up.