Britney Spears Is Being Closely Monitored

If completely unsubstantiated news reports are true, and when are they ever not, Britney Spears has bodyguards who are with her around the clock keeping a diary of all her activities down to what she sticks in her mouth and who she talks to and report it all back to dad on matching Hello Kitty sidekicks. Britney also has a team of personal assistants who help her brush her teeth, wipe her ass with parboiled grape leaves, and transcribe even her personal texts and emails to her boyfriends. The assistants also report back to dad who assembles all the information on a giant map of the world on the wall of the office paid for by Britney’s conservatorship. Everybody is nervous that Britney remains one stitch away from snapping again. Though not so close that they’re not allowing her to take $20 million to flash her crotch to Asian tourists nightly in Vegas. Even the Stasi granted waivers for purely artistic endeavors.

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