Russians Kick Off Anti-Gay Olympics By Getting Super Gay (VIDEO)

Video clip: NBC, all rights reserved

Those tricky Russians didn’t lose the Cold War 55-0 without having a serious bit of strategery on their side. After a long con about how they don’t like the gays and they don’t want the gays talking to kids and how Moscow does not believe in queer tears, those cagey bastards open up their Winter Olympics with just about the gayest thing ever — a bunch of police officers singing Daft Punk. Militant Muslims laid down their toothpaste bombs and several hardened street dogs gave themselves up for euthanizing when they heard Get Lucky emanating from the Olympic arena constructed entirely out of toothpicks and peas. What a fucking Olympic moment. Greeks of yore ceased their sodomy in heaven to hear the discotheque tones and witness grumpy Russian mustaches trying to force smiles. Just to double down on the Russian-ness of the entire scene, the Olympic organizers illegally downloaded the song from a torrent site then informed everybody in the audience that their Paypal accounts had to be reactivated by following a link on the browsers located in their seatbacks.