Taylor Swift Had a Very Emotional Hymen

By Lex February 19, 2014 @ 3:39 PM

According to RadarOnline, Jake Gyllenhaal tarnished Taylor Swift by stealing her cherry then being a no-show to her 21st birthday party. Which only goes to show that girls who save their virginity for the special one are truly God’s little clueless lambs. The only man in the world who truly appreciates your virginity is your dad, and even in Tennessee you can’t legally save it for daddy. That leaves you with dudes who just want to bang the slop out of you with varying degrees of social obligation. When her prince and the only sword she’d ever known didn’t show up without so much as a call or text, Taylor sobbed like a middle school girl who just learned Justin Bieber is shorter than her.

Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.

But all was not lost along with her betrayed hymen, for the evening of waves and waves of vaginal sadness inspired Taylor to produce her RED album and the song ‘The Moment I Knew’ about a girl whose boyfriend doesn’t show up to her big birthday party so she locks herself in the bathroom and cries. Subtle. The album netted Taylor another fifty million clams or so, so she’s probably not going to get all that much sympathy on those websites where girls lament the lame dudes who took their maidenheads. Just look for the pink hued fonts.

Photo credit: INF Photos

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