By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 5:42 PM
I know many young women dream of marrying a devilishly handsome gay dude who rides a scooter. I’ve never been a woman, but I can only imagine the allure of a man with whom you can spend hours scarf shopping and talking about the Namibian bitches at work. Still, the half-life of any celebrity marriage even with people naturally inclined to boink each other is only but a few years, so the demise of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr seemed inevitable. Then Miranda got fired from Victoria’s Secret for what every woman who worked there agreed was being a super bitch while every man in the world agreed they could care less and just wanted to have sex with her while she read the rugby scores in her Australian accent. The concurrent events might take down a normal woman, but it turns out if you’re really good looking and get paid to take your clothes off, you bounce back faster than others. I wish I was really good looking and got paid to take my clothes off. Perhaps I wouldn’t need three hugs and a week of tears when both my Christian Mingle and J-Date statuses show zero responses, proving that more than one God thinks I’m unlovable.
Photo Credit: GQ UK
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 5:13 PM
Even way back when when Kendra’s boyfriend was buying her big fake boobs for her 18th birthday (NSFW) and she was hitting the pole, you could see she was destined to be a great mother or in the least a women bred in foreign captivity. Sometimes when you watch a young woman stripping, you’re inclined to look at her tits or ass but I was looking at Kendra’s future. I saw mom and nurturer. I even foresaw her being anchored to a long term unemployed former football player. But I can tell a lot by looking directly into a woman’s vagina. That’s the very specific gift of second sight a gypsy woman gave me after I helped her do her taxes.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 4:59 PM
You may know Rob as the Kardashian who loves to eat McNuggets and knit fashionable socks and embarrass his sisters by not looking OMG fabulous in a bikini. Depending on which reports you believe, evil whorecat mom Kris Jenner is either supportive of her son Rob and has flown him off on a secret jet to a fat camp workout center, or she’s berating him constantly for being a ruinous loser glutton who is costing the family serious cash and won’t be invited to the big wedding.
Rob is fatter than ever, and Kris finally flat out told him that he’s an embarrassment to the family. She called him a fat slob and said he’s losing out on business opportunities because no one wants someone as huge as him representing their products
So says the anonymous Star source who might just be Kris Jenner herself. She’s so fucked in the manicured head she probably can’t keep track of her various media attention schemes. The source went on to say that Fat Rob’s sisters get in on the sadistic fat shaming as well:
They’re embarrassed to be photographed with him and bully him for being fat. They also tease him for by leaving cakes and cookies around to tempt him.
Well that surely does sound mean and evil and therefore like it’s probably true. You may recall that Fat Rob got so sensitive about his weight that he recently deleted all of his Instagram pictures and last year a female photographer claims he punched her and stole her camera memory card for taking a picture of him topless. Actually, you probably do deserve to be punched in the face for capturing Rob Kardashian topless. Though a Kim Kardashian topless could net you $100,000. She was probably just confused.
Rob is now sending out updates from fat camp with pictures of his gym letting everybody know how everything is awesome once more.. I generally don’t feel bad for fat people, but fat people who got raised in the Kardashian family, that’s pretty war torn kid found in a Killing Fields hovel full of snakes and grenades type shit. I’ll grant you a little comfort snacking to make the sounds of shrieking shrew female voices and the sight of Bruce Jenner trying on your mom’s panties go away. I’d quit those bogus workouts and just stay fat if I were you, Rob. It might just be your ticket off Devil’s Island.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 4:21 PM
Men give up a lot for women they want to know biblically. They’ll surrender their fortunes, sell out their friends, break up their families. I’ve heard more than one guy say he’d give up his left nuts for a night with some good looking woman. Perhaps a left nut is pretty relatively minor. My adopted dog has no nuts and he’s the happiest sonuvabitch you ever met. I like to imagine he surrendered them after one sweaty night of humping some hairy bitch in heat. Maybe that permanent smile he wears is him reliving that glorious night of conquest on endless loop in his brain, and knowing he no longer carries the burden of all the work that a repeat performance would involve. I’m not saying you ought castrate yourself, I’m just suggesting you’ll probably be miserable until you do.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 3:19 PM
According to the journalists at TMZ, Zac Efron’s friends are afraid to confront him about his really big problem. No, not the fact that he’s been shitty in over fifteen straight shitty failed movies. He’ll still get fifteen more, that’s how Hollywood works. And, no, not his pretending to be straight. That’s a given for all the male model lithesome actors in town. It’s drugs. The junk our parents and failed government programs warned us about but we just didn’t listen. Zac’s entourage is quite concerned that Zac has fallen off the wagon since pretending to go to rehab last year to get himself work eligible again. Pretend rehab is like real rehab in that neither actually work, but pretend rehab for Zac happened to be hanging out at some guy’s house for a couple weeks getting detoxed through a combination of healthy diet and frequent fellatio on Vincent, the uncircumcised live-in male nurse with aggressive appetites. Zac’s latest telltale drug sign was that kerfuffle near Leif Garret’s heroin den on Skid Row. His friends are only left to wonder what comes next. We are only left to wonder if his friends are just really entourage living off his tip and worried what happens when he punches out and they’re left with seventeen dollars, Zac Efron butt herpes, and a landlord giving them 24 hours to clear out. Zac is too big to fail. Though I bet it still happens. Cocaine is heartless motherfucker. It kills the fat celebrities quickly, the lean just end up wishing they’d been fat.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Jack March 31, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Anne Hathaway is trying to seem more down to Earth to stop people from wanting to punch her oversized mouth. Around the time she won the Oscar for bleating like a menstruating cat in Les Miserables, the American public turned on their precious fucking sweetheart. Her false modesty, diva behavior, and general twattiness made people treat her like a Fukushima tuna. Internet trollers even organized a posse they called Hathahaters to cast shade at the Dark Knight Rises actress on Twitter. That’s the modern day equivalent of toilet papering somebody’s house. Anne has decided enough is enough and it’s time to show the world, just like that French whore she portrayed in the movie, that she’s all heart. So, she gave away a lot of her expensive dresses to her staff of servants. Because what every middle-aged thrice village raped Guatemalan maid needs is a $3000 Versace dress to wear while they are cleaning her poo bits from under the rim of her toilets. Anne has also committed to pretending to be more humble and pleasant like the character she played in those shitty Princess Diaries movies that first fooled people into thinking she was sweet and cute. An adopted Malaysian airliner orphan can’t be far behind. Anne Hathaway 2.0 will be impossible not to love.
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 2:46 PM
I dig the respect that young ballplayers show the all-time greats when they get the chance to meet. Only a pro athlete can truly understand the impact the Hall of Famers have on the game and the rare skills it took to get there. So too with sex symbols. Courtney Stodden honors those who blazed the trail before her. Pioneers and prematurely dead bombshells like Marilyn Monroe and Farrah Fawcett have made it possible for Courtney to pretend she’s actually working in Hollywood as opposed to just walking around in revealing tops and trying to blow older men with industry connections. It’s possible that Courtney never becomes a major movie star like Marilyn, or owns the world of television like Farrah, but I’d bet good money that she nails the drug overdoses and ass cancer portion of the homage. Like a big ole fake tittied candle in the wind.
Photo Credit: Courtney Stodden/Instagram
By Jack March 31, 2014 @ 2:28 PM
Amy Winehouse is going on tour sometime next year. No, they aren’t reanimating her desiccated carcass, even though she’s probably pickled for long term storage. Her father is looking to squeeze out a few more dollars from his deceased child by touring a hologram of the late singer. It’s the same technology they used to project a dead Tupac at Coachella last year when all the white hipster kids went crazy thinking about how they would’ve loved to tell everybody what a genius Tupac was had they lived fifteen years earlier. This technology is only in the begining phases of development. You’ll probably be seeing more of this kind of morbid cynical moneymaking shit in the future. Within ten years you’ll be able to pay get backstage with hologram Amy for what feels like a blowjob from a girl with Smirnoff breath. So start saving now. Fifty bucks isn’t just something you come up with at the last second.
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 12:46 PM
Khloe Kardashian looks great, in a salted Bavarian pretzel twisted kind of way. But what’s really behind Khloe’s new compelling yeti figure? Is it all the calories burned posing as an underaged girl in the pretend version of To Catch a Predator she acts out in her bedroom each night? No, sir, it’s love. Only true love has the power to contort Khloe into a spastic looking plus sized stripper. Girls on the Internet who follow Khloe because they’re too timid to cut themselves have gone aflutter with Khloe’s latest weight loss and the caption on her socially shared swimsuit photo:
“And then my soul saw you……”
Who isn’t assuming that means Khloe has found the new man of her dreams after the last man of her dreams locked himself in a crack whore motel for six months of tempting The AIDS gods. I bet this new guy is simply amazing. He might even let Khloe uses her iPhone to check Twitter while spanking her ass and making her talk about what Kendall looks like naked. I see nothing but upside in Khloe’s future. She is the captain.
Photo Credit: Khloe Kardashian/Instagram
By Travis March 31, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Justin Bieber emerged from a crop of underwhelming nominees to win the honor of Fan’s Choice at the Juno Awards last night, but it didn’t really seem like the fans gave a shit about him. Probably off dealing with his legal troubles, Justin didn’t even bother showing up to the Junos, where he could have possibly issued a statement to the world, like, “I’m sorry for the negative attention” or “Everyone can suck my tiny balls.” But someone named Serena Ryder stuck up for him as she accepted her own Juno Award, telling the crowd that had just booed Justin that she thinks he’s “an amazing musician and he deserved every bit of that award, because he’s been working his ass off his entire life and we need to support how awesome he is.” It’s a shame the crowd used up all of its booing on Justin, because it seems like Serena could have used a little, too.
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News