I wish I had a granddad who told me raunchy shit like 'if you find a woman who can pin her legs behind ears, marry her'. Then maybe he'd give me five bucks to go get a nudie magazine and a pack of smokes to get my lungs tough from an early age. I didn't get that granddad. I got Satan's mortal combatant on earth. Far less fun that drunken dirty pappy. Now I'm left to wonder if all those untold locker room adages are true. Alec Baldwin still seems like a pretty angry racist homophobe with delusions of self-importance. I'm not sure banging his wife in all the various tiny Chinese girl gymnast positions she can assume has caused the bitterness to come pouring out in his self-righteous ejaculate. Maybe my imaginary granddad was wrong this whole time and finding a rigid wife who leaves her tampon boxes out where you can see them so you'll know to leave her alone is the key to happiness. I don't actually know. Though if pressed to choose, I'd still opt for the yoga teacher who can make her snatch present at every angle on the protractor.
Photo Credit: Hilaria Baldwin/Instagram